I can no longer let shame convince me to remain silent. I hope and pray God will continue to prepare me to become a good husband and father one day. However, I have been plagued with temptation in many ways, and to this day, on occasion, fall to the use of pornography.
I hate it.
It’s not even about lusting after someone or something, nor is it about escape. It is out of an interior inclination to convince myself of the lie the Evil One speaks, that no one could ever love me (so I might as well indulge because I could never have a successful relationship anyway).
I know that doesn’t come from God, and in my heart, I don’t believe it is true.
I was exposed to pornography very early in my life. I continuously pursued that initial rush – it shaped nearly every decision that I made at that time of my life. I didn’t say a word about it because I wanted to run back into that fantasy and re-live it again and again – by myself. I was really motivated by greed in these early moments – being greedy with my time so I could re-experience alone.
That initial foray into pornographic fantasy became neurologically entrenched through repetitious behavior, much like a person who practices piano would have their brain neurologically influenced as well. Dear future wife, that is what I am up against. I don’t fall simply “because I want to watch porn.” In fact, I have never started a day with that in mind as something I wanted to do. And many times, I have been repulsed by where the pornography has taken me.
Through that, I have come to realize I am powerless on my own. However, due to my weakness, I am strengthened in my resolve to look towards the Cross. Not just the Cross, but also the battered and bloody body of Jesus on the Cross. This reminds me of how paltry my suffering is compared to His, and how I ought to truly turn outwards to God, instead of inwards into myself. Also, it reminds me of something greater to strive towards – full self-sacrifice and abandonment to the will of God – instead of choosing to be selfish with my time in watching pornography.
To this day, I have never been able to pray a Rosary and also use pornography at the same time. That is because we cannot be charitable and uncharitable at the same time. Every day (almost) I am able to successfully make the choice to pray the Rosary. This is a serious battle, and I need help with it.
Every day I live the torture of having certain images flash before my mind; burned into my psyche. They increase at the sight of holiness, such as during the Consecration during Mass. That is not the mark of a mere addiction, but rather the influence of the demonic. However, because I am now aware of those dark forces, I know that I MUST run towards our Blessed Mother every time. And yes, Christ could drive him out, but it is far more humiliating for Satan or any other demon to be driven back by Mother Mary, who is creation of a lesser order, or rank if you will.
Every day I pray to God that He will blot those images out, and that the Precious Blood of Christ not only wash over me, but also every person ever involved in the creation of pornography.
Future wife, when I lay with you after we are married, I want to see you, and no one else. Already I am overjoyed that God has begun to blot out certain memories. He has left some very vivid memories as well, but today those are now invitations to pray. They serve as a reminder of MY cross, and possibly even my purpose (which is to pray for others).
Through the power and Mercy of God, I have come to know that as His beloved child, I have been permitted this cross as an opportunity for the sanctification of my soul. I prepare for this cross by learning how to say “Yes” to God in other things – representing smaller crosses.
It is an every-day struggle. I acknowledge that the Demons are waiting for me to fall beyond the protective mantle of our Blessed Mother, Mary, who without fail has always directed me towards her Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I have danced with Demons, and they rage at the fact that I turn back to Christ, and proclaim Christ as King of Kings, Creator of creation, and the one who Rose from the Dead, giving us mere human beings a way to become (through Christ) more powerful than the Prince of Darkness Himself – as Saints in heaven, and as persons alive in Christ here on Earth.
To those who don’t believe, don’t just trust this word, TEST this word by praying a daily Rosary with your heart.
Today, I affix my gaze on the Cross. I cannot survive a day without it, and it has also helped me realize that unless my future wife is found through the Cross, and with a deep devotion to our Blessed Mother (or another Saint in Heaven) I am at severe risk of relapsing. However, I also know that together, we could make a real difference in this world, one heart at a time, if you were willing to walk with me with this massive thorn in my side.
I write this to share that just because a person is struggling with a pornography addiction, that doesn’t mean that they ought to be written off, as many popular “dating” books might suggest. Yes, it is a HUGE red flag – it means there is an illness. In my case, I entered into it from the temptation to pursue curiosity, but remained within due to the actual neurological effects of the brain, and my prior lack of engagement in anything that resembled holiness.
If you want to find a good potential husband, don’t look merely to the actions. Instead, look into their heart and whether or not they are willing to get up and try, try again. Finding someone who is committed to Christ, and the Sacrament of Reconciliation is cause for celebration, regardless of their cross.
Future wife, due to the suffering I have incurred within this addiction, I know there are ways in which I form our future children to minimize the probability of them replicating my experience. I would not wish this affliction on my worst enemy. However, through this, I know that I need to fully die to myself for the sake of the Lord, due to my awareness of my grave shortcomings.
Future wife, all I am asking is that you prayerfully look towards the heart of a person, and towards their fidelity to Christ. I am a broken brush, but that does not me to paint some masterpiece, with the help of the Holy Spirit, within a holy and chaste spousal relationship, with openness to the blessings (and hardships) that He permits.
Blessings in Christ,
Jesus said to me today, You often call Me your Master. This is pleasing to My Heart; but do not forget, My disciple, that you are a disciple of a crucified Master. Let that one word be enough for you. You know what is contained in the cross (Diary, 1513).
Today there is increasing division within the Church.
People are following their consciences into all sorts of places. People have all sorts of ideas of what it means to be a “good Christians” but I wonder how many of those ideas are connected to the pursuit of holiness?
Keep in mind that we are called to strive towards holiness.
And note: holiness is NOT just for those who have become saints. It’s for US! And it’s attainable… but simply choosing God.
But what does that LOOK like?
It looks like us falling in line with nature.
In this way, holiness is sort of an “environmentalism for the body and soul”
Let’s think about environmentalism: We strive to hone and respect the earth, and Nature itself.
Living in Alberta with the Oil Sands reveals how deeply people apparently want to do that – companies have entire departments devoted to restoring the land to it’s original state as best they can.
Why would this matter, if we did not’ believe there was a truth of Nature to be restored?
And the cool thing is that this is something we can all get behind, because we know in our hearts it is good.
But Nature is more than the earth. It is the visible and the invisible.
– Its why sheep follow a voice while cattle need to be driven
– it’s while people walk dogs instead of dogs walking people
– It’s why we know that something is WRONG when a parent has to bury their adult child…. I realize this is heavy, but I have yet to meet someone who thinks this is the way it ought to be.
All of those reflect nature in an invisible way.
Nature is visible as well…
– banana trees don’t produce oranges,
– planting a tree in wet cement will probably not be good for it,
– living creatures are restored to their nature over time, in as much as they can, after being pulled away. Looking at lungs of people who quit smoking is a prime example… or the hormone levels of a person who decides to go off “the pill.”
We are a part of nature. We HAVE a nature. We are restored to our nature, over time. It is written into every cell of our bodies.
In Church language by the way, the word Natural comes from Nature…. it does not have to do with what “feels” natural or what comes easily to us.
Holiness … is merely our choice, because of our love for God the Creator, to uphold what He has revealed in Nature. Holiness is us practicing environmentalism for the body & soul.
When we practice that, we can let go of fighting against it. We can let go of squabbling over who’s conscience might be “right.” We already know that even those who want to destroy the Church also follow their conscience… it’s just not a good way to measure if we are living up to the standard of love that God is hoping for.
When we practice the pursuit of holiness, while keeping in mind it is intimately linked to respecting the Art of the Divine Artist, as revealed in our very own visible and invisible human nature, within the greater Order of Creation,… it is then that we truly give God the glory.
And it is then that our faith can be strengthened along the journey towards further unity.
I have always desired to belong.
For whatever reason though, I most often saw myself on the outside looking in.
As a young boy, I believed I didn’t “measure up” to the other boys. I didn’t enjoy doing the “boyish” things. Thus, because of my disinterest, I didn’t put the effort in to excel in those ways. I was picked last or near-last more times than I could count. It was like re-living a humiliation over and over again.
Even though at times I was welcomed into “the fold” so to speak, deep down inside, I still didn’t feel like I belonged. Retrospectively, I see how that points to the far deeper issue of self-worth. I tried so hard to belong but retrospectively I see how my desperation to belong actually pushed people away.
Around grade six, I began to idolize the boys who were closest to me. “If only I could be like them.” The first phone call I ever got from a girl was during that grade… but it was only to get the phone number of one of those friends. Just one more reason for me to believe (at the time) that I didn’t belong with the boys.
Around that age, I began to notice that I becoming more attracted to those boys. It wasn’t sexual/romantic at first, but there was a deep longing in my heart to be close to them. However, in feeling like I didn’t belong with the boys, I had already (for years) been gravitating towards the girls. I was influenced by them. I fit in with them. I became like them. I belonged with them. And eventually, I began to see the boys as being complimentary to me… almost as the missing piece of me that I desired.
I felt ashamed – that part of me wanted to lean over and give one of my same-sex friends a kiss on the lips. I felt shame because I wanted to be held by them and made to feel special, as though I did belong – albeit perhaps in a different way; not as a boy… but as a girl. Whether people think its right or wrong, my eleven year old heart felt deep shame. In an attempt to run from the shame I internalized, I continued to feminize myself. At least, within that, I felt comfortable in my own body. I felt like I was being more true to “who I am.”
I was questioning myself and my identity. Today, I imagine that I would have been welcomed as second Q in the LGBTTQQ community. And I kept it to myself.
I turned inwards to pornography to hide my heart from others. A person on the screen couldn’t see how I truly felt about myself. They couldn’t judge me. They couldn’t reject me.
I was living a lie; deeply hurting on the inside, but presenting myself as super happy on the outside. My running from myself drew me into more eccentricities behaviours. Anything to keep me from facing myself.
I went as far as investigating sex-reassignment-surgery. There came a point where I truly believed that that is what I needed to do in order to be happy. I was convinced that I could only be happy as a girl. It matched with my earliest memories of hoping that one morning I would wake up and be a girl the next morning.
One day, however, in my mid-20s, I had a moment of truth. I looked in the mirror and realized that the path I was on was spiraling out of control; crazier and crazier. I couldn’t run any longer. Looking into the mirror, I asked myself, “What have you become.” It is true, I made choices that brought me to this point.
None of my choices at that point, were aimed towards Jesus Christ. I knew of Him, but I didn’t yet know Him in my heart.
In my desperation, around that time one night after using same-sex and transgender pornography, I finally stood up and formed the shape of the Cross with my body. I finally let God in. I stood there in my apartment and wept as the Lord flooded my soul with His love and Mercy. I asked the Lord to put His whole crucified body over mine. And He did.
And then I knew. I belonged in Him.
Transgenderism and the Pursuit of Self-Honesty
Recently a life-long friend of mine posted a photo of his daughter’s kindergarten artwork which included the words “boys can wear dresses.”
With transgender inclinations being a part of my story, it really struck my heart, and I knew I had to “come out” to my friend and share why. I hope you may be open to prayerfully hearing my voice.
Below is my letter to him:
Hi [name], as a little boy I wanted to be a girl. I wasn’t shamed into silence but I was also not encouraged into it. It just wasn’t talked about. Retrospectively I see now how I rejected what I perceived to be “male” because of how I never was really affirmed in my value and worth as a boy. My older brother always won when we played together, and I learned a perspective that I didn’t have what it took to be a boy (in my young mind). I gravitated to the feminine. I wanted to wear feminine clothes, and do feminine things. I was repelled by the things that boys were into, because they reminded me of how I didn’t feel like I belonged with them.
If I was born today, people would be celebrating me in a dress, and I would have craved that positive attention and reinforcement. I didn’t seek that out until my teens. The point: I had mistaken maleness/femaleness for my perception of what it meant to be a boy or a girl (which I can now explain to be my perception of masculine and feminine.
The social disassociation that I experienced is not necessarily uncommon. And it’s not the fault of any kid. But I see this playing out over and over again- the mixing of the physiological reality of maleness/femaleness with the moving target of gender perception, or one’s idea of what it means to be a girl/woman or boy/man. What gets lost in this state of lack of clarification, is the reality that interests and activities don’t make someone a “boy” or a “girl.” I know we both know that, but some children within the environment of affirmation are being told that it does. And it can serve to set them on a path of trying to embody that more and more physically. This is what I was doing in my life more and more, probably to the age of about 25.
I wish the whole world could just chill and recognize that just as a girl might want to wear pants a boy might want to wear a dress, and none of that makes them any less loved, or any less of a person.
Today I know a man isn’t made by the haircut, beard, or any other outward feature/activity. I had to learn that it was about the interior heart. But that only came after years and years of trying to find myself within the caricature of a woman, within my secret double-life. Even though I wanted that, and it suited my comfort zones, I knew I was fighting my biological reality. And nature always wins.
Striving to find my value and self worth in my sexuality has caused me great strife, as you know from being a friend who was there to listen as I poured out my life to you multiple times. (I am very grateful.) Over the last several years there has been much healing in my heart (helping me know that I am loved and lovable, and that someone could possibly love me). I have learned how to grow and relate to men better and have come to understand that it is okay that I have an affinity to certain things the world calls “girly” lol but none of that ought to be what I base my identity on anymore. While I did, I knew I was misleading myself.
I remember hoping that someone could accept me and my attachments. I held onto them because of fear of the unknown, fear of letting go, and fear of something better. Today, I have something better, and it came through facing my biggest fears, and letting go. Today I am at peace.
Had I been born into a time where people would have encouraged and affirmed me to wear dresses and more and more embody the “feminine” I would have continued to find my identity within that. I can guarantee that because at the time, I know it was exactly what I wanted. However, the inevitable next steps would have included a future “transition” to become “who I really am.” I realize this is not common to all, but it is for many. It’s like how not all people who go to a casino become gambling addicts, but many gambling addicts go to a casino. I realize none of that would have addressed the underlying peer disassociation that I experienced.
Now, a boy wearing a dress might be completely harmless. The real issue is how people around that boy might shape his identity. That matters because this influences self-concept, and thus life choices going forward.
[Name] I love you as a friend more than words could probably describe. I know I am here today because of your merciful heart open to listening to me. But I had to write this, because there is so much more to the story on topics of gender everything, including cross dressing, and matters of identity formation. And there are others like me who while being young and very impressionable are having their entire life outlook and sense of self concept, influenced in these innocent ways. I couldn’t speak for myself with this insight when I was young. I wonder how many other young people are like me.
And nature always wins. If I would have gone the distance and transitioned (which I considered by my early 20s), I would have been fighting nature every day if my life. I would have been lying to myself that I could come out on top within that battle. And my journey towards that point was aided by everyone who gave me the nudges of attention/affirmation in that way over my most formative years. And there were many.
I’m sharing this to hopefully shed some light on the idea that accepting differences is one thing, but forming a person’s sense of self concept is another. I know what it’s like to be on the verge of telling parents “I am gay” and I understand the trauma of feeling hidden. I also know the joy of being able to confide in someone and know I am not alone. I also know the freedom of coming to peace with who I was created to be. I don’t want to fight nature every day of my life. I just want to be free. While I found that in Christ, what breaks my heart the most is that I know others have found that in ending their life.
I just hope that every kid knows that they are not alone. But I also hope they realize that no matter what we do, what we dress like, or what our interests may be, we still have beautiful gifts to offer this world as males and females, regardless of how masculine or feminine someone might actually perceive themselves to be. Most of all, I hope that every kid has a world that I didn’t; a world where they know they are loved and where they belong.
With love, your friend,
A friend asked me this after I shared the news about how the state can now take away children, if the parents fail to affirm them within an LGBTQ identity.
Yes, you read that correctly. Welcome to Canada. A “free” country, unless you believe something other than what is commanded by government.
My response to my friend was as follows: “It’s worse, because the people here don’t even realize they are being taken over.” I didn’t know what else to say, as my heart continued to sink.
Perhaps if the Canadian government rolled in with a Red Army of their own to beat people down from time to time, more people would wake up. But, if people are socially engineered to desire the shift, then the Red [Canadian] Army need not have to work very hard.
It is the genius of societal take-over… get people to want it themselves. It’s actually the best (and easiest) way to transform the world.
The fact is, Canada doesn’t need an army to do this. They already have mainstream society to beat people down with shame. The tidal wave of pressure can only be responded to with a life-raft of prayer, because swinging a sword won’t make any difference.
It is time for us to seriously consider an intergenerational plan to rise from the ashes of a decaying society. There is no time to run around like the sky is falling. It already has. It is time to mobilize, and strengthen one another within our identity – and to see ourselves as not of this world.
To quote the Muslim men and women I heard while in the mosque, “We are not like the world. We are Muslim.” If only others could have heard the Muslim children mocking the “western world” for all of its sexual perversions (their words, not mine). The kids didn’t want anything to do with the westernized world, other than to give the illusion that they were the peaceful people next door. What goes on in the mosque stays in the mosque. Unless someone gets in under the radar when people’s guards are down.
Perhaps we could learn from them, instead of feeding our children into this world of decadence, anchored on the pursuit of gratification without an understanding of the value that can be given to suffering. We might do well to learn that, because that is going to be coming our way sooner than later at this trajectory.
The point: We are beyond the time of clamoring for rights and freedoms we once had. The world has changed, and we have to respond to the spiritual reality of it. A Spirit of Deception has crept in – even within the Church. Just the other day another Catholic I knew decided to mock the family who was ousted from selling berries at an unrelated market because they didn’t support a same-sex wedding on their property. Just the other day a heard of a sibling being reamed out by their family in atrocious ways for not attending a same-sex wedding ceremony. Just the other day I heard of yet another child from a Christian home who rejects the sex they were created as, and who has chosen to embrace a gender ideology identity.
This is a spiritual battle and we have to fortify our children before sending them to the wolves. The problem is that there are wolves within the Church too. This means, as parents we have to be extra diligent in knowing who is who… and who is open to growing in the fullness of virtue and who is not.
Also, we need to ensure that we are aware of who is willing to fully die to themselves for the faith or not. That will separate the wheat from the weeds. Let us be the first to live that out. The Church rising in other parts of the world will one day learn about our downfall retrospectively, so that history might never repeat itself in this way again.
As for us, it’s too late. It is time to pray, and build “the Catholic Underground” in Canada.
After much suffering, The Church will rise again.
Dear Jim, I think you are a great comedian. However, the post about loving your gay kids leaned more to the political than to the humorous.
One fruit of that particular movement is that it has drawn many people to shame Catholics who uphold the idea that chastity is a calling for all people. Another fruit is the cementing of the idea that people are “created this way by God” and or are “born this way” – both of which are false and recognized as such by the APA as well as a number of major gay activists, never mind everything that neuroscience has to say about the impact of environment on overall formation. A third fruit is the inhibition of clarified language which prevents people from encountering the opportunity to understand the language of the Church at the very foundation.
These statements of course are for people to pursue on their own, lest I be accused of indoctrination.
In any case, wherever the movement has taken root, the Church has been decimated, because mindsets are contagious – especially when they are linked to an experience (such as having fun at a parade). As well, within the parades, there is rampant objectification of men and women, scant dress and a lack of modesty, and available pornography in print or live form, accessible to children (I have seen this with my own eyes). At some parades, there have been public sex acts on the floats and in the streets.
The question is this: Do you want to support a movement that advances such things?
If you are truly desiring to support a movement where people can belong and can flourish as persons first, while being fully honest with themselves about the existence of their attractions/inclinations, there is an organization called Courage International. Within it, the people definitely are honest with themselves about the attractions/inclinations they experience, but they are choosing the “yes” of chastity, motivated by their love for Jesus Christ. They don’t need to parade their identity in their sexuality, because they have moved beyond that frame of reference. That’s what happens when a person pursues holiness. However, their stories are off the radar of most people, including most Catholics, because we are sick of being beaten down as “self-hating frauds” every time we share a story that counters the mainstream narrative.
Catholics who support the Pride Movement are the very reason why we can’t even stick our heads above the trenches to be heard; it’s because we get devoured by other Catholics.
This is truly abhorrent in a world that teaches tolerance. As I told one of my friends – it’s not that I am afraid to stand up, but I am also NOT ALLOWED to stand up. Why? Because Catholics who have embraced gender ideology have turned the whole critical mass against us. And if you don’t believe me, go look at how The Desire of the Everlasting Hills is not being promoted within the Church, while pro gender ideology programs are.
Same-sex attractions are a part of my story yet today I live a joyful and fulfilling life within the Catholic Church, pursuing holiness and virtue.
How did I get here? I began asking questions, and here’s what I found:
1. God loves us, no matter what attractions or inclinations we experience.
2. We shouldn’t feel shame for experiencing attractions or inclinations we didn’t specifically choose. Though we’re invited to be honest with ourselves, this doesn’t mean that we ought to be prideful about our attractions. Nor does it imply our choices are of no effect. Every choice we make forms us in some way – sometimes influencing who we trust, which impacts who we allow intimately close to our hearts.
3. All people are called to open their hearts to growing in virtue (which includes chastity and humility). This about saying “Yes” to God, instead focusing on a list of “No’s” that are centered on the roller-coaster of mere behavior management. Huge. Difference.
4. Not all attractions or inclinations are sexual and romantic in nature.
5. Sexual and romantic exploration might feel good, but that only means our bodies are physiologically working properly.
6. That “feeling good” is often interpreted to mean “I am” ____.
7. Our perception of who “I am” influences how we see we ought to pursue fulfillment.
8. The pursuit of fulfillment is good, but the desires of our heart ought to be examined.
9. The more we pursue the fulfillment of a particular desire, the more we desire it. However, the high of achieving it eventually diminishes, while the desire to re-live and re-experience it remains, unless the desires of our hearts are transformed.
10. If God created us this way, then to not pursue those desires would be to deny our nature. However, if he didn’t create us this way, then that changes everything. Today, with even prominent gay activists now acknowledging that “environment plays a factor in the development of our attractions,” I no longer feel powerlessly attached to the false idea that “God created me this way, and it is forever who I will be.”
Today I’m empowered with a new vision of myself. I am His, and I don’t choose to “be straight.” Rather, I choose to pursue holiness and virtue. Why? Because I have encountered Christ—through the people around me serving God most humbly. Today, I realize that holiness involves respecting the art of the Divine Artist, and the order He has written into our universe—and into our bodies. Today I’m no longer powerlessly “destined” to live some cage of loneliness, feeling like I have to deny my nature “to be a good Catholic.”
The Joy of Trusting God
Trusting God has opened the door to what the Holy Spirit could write on my heart—which has included the occasional (unexpected) sexual attraction to persons of the opposite sex. If it be in God’s will that something may come of it, then may He grant me the courage to pursue it prudently, despite same-sex attractions still possibly existing. The point is that becoming a husband and father one day are holy vocations that are no longer stolen from me.
I am not “living a lie” or “feeling conflicted” in saying that, despite many people interpret it that way. Perhaps it’s just so “off the radar” that people can’t make sense of it. But I live it. That’s me being most completely honest with myself.
So, is it okay to be gay?
Well, first of all, being gay isn’t who I am. And experiencing attractions is one thing, but taking on an identity is a whole different ballgame. The bigger question I ask myself is why would I focus on something that small when I could focus on something greater?
1. It is my nature to desire unification with God.
2. I fulfill my nature by opening my heart to growing in the fullness of virtue.
3. The joy I experience today surpasses what I ever had before… and I ain’t looking back!
From my earliest memories, I wished I was born a girl.
I loved their clothes, how they played gently, and how they seemed to be treated “softer” than boys. Those were my perceptions, and as a sensitive kid, my heart desired that deeply. I also saw boys terrorizing younger kids on the playground and at daycare (both of which were more like The Lord of the Flies and The Hunger Games combined).
All I knew is that I didn’t want to be “boyish” like them.
In my early teens, I began to really entertain the idea of being a girl. I began to regularly cross-dress and fantasize about it as much as I could. This fantasy was almost always connected to masturbation, but because of that, the cross-dressing became just as addictive.
Note that my parents did affirm me in my value and worth as a boy. However, that affirmation didn’t “fit” my idea of what it meant to be a boy. They did their best, but even in that, my perceptions were being fashioned by every other external influencer. This is in addition to how I felt that I didn’t “measure up” to what I learned (from my world) about how a man should be.
Retrospectively, I see how my understanding of what it meant to be a boy or a girl was anchored merely on my perception of masculinity and femininity. However, this was a moving target, completely at the whim of my imagination!
While young, I eventually came out – first to myself, then close friends, then certain loved ones… including my parents (to some degree) after I was a little older. I was never reckless with who I told, and I am glad. Why? Because many people never let you out of the cage of identity once they put you in it.
Throughout this process, however, I realized how blessed I truly was (and still am). People always responded with Christ’s love and this included being gently and lovingly challenging to my mindset at times. It also helped me realize the Catholic Church might not be “the bad guy.”
Over time, I began to see how cross-dressing and masturbating were merely a coping mechanism to prevent me from facing my worst fear: myself. I wasn’t happy, even though I eccentrically gave that impression to so many people. Thankfully, I was learning to trust God around the same time that I chose to stop running from myself. He was there for me when I opened my heart up to Him. He allowed me to collapse the house of cards that I had built, into a messy pile at the foot of the Cross. And He held me in His arms.
And that is when joy began to fill my heart again. God gently drew me away from coping via cross-dressing and masturbation, and into the rivers of His infinite love for me. He moved me away from merely existing within my own wounds, to becoming alive in His!
God revealed to me who I am outside of the shadows of this world; beyond any and all earthly attachments – to identity or otherwise. These shadows, which I used to embrace, only blocked the radiance of His Heavenly presence! I have tasted the joy of being lifted beyond these shadows, and this has imprinted onto my heart a deep desire to wholeheartedly see myself first and foremost through Him, and no longer in terms of my interests/activities, or attractions/inclinations experienced.
That is why I no longer self-identity as transgender, ex-transgender, or even cisgender, while still upholding the beautiful God-given gift of sexuality! I have chosen to (finally) give it back to God, while walking with Him beyond the rainbow altogether. And today, I know the Lord is calling me to a Holy Vocation, with a heart that is open to growing in the fullness of virtue. It may be marriage – to the Church or to an opposite-sex spouse! And I have come to learn that my life experience doesn’t automatically exclude me from this possibility!
I only hope that people will open their hearts to the joy and freedom that I today experience.
Today I know I am His son; His boy; and that in the Catholic Church, I belong.